Boy Crush

New York in the middle of summer, it’s hot and sticky. On weekend afternoons (in the summer), the city empties out. New Yorkers find refuge in beaches outside the concrete confines. There is one kind of New Yorker, who sticks it out even in the muggiest of situations.

“I am the weekend homeless?” asked I, while on the phone with Ben. “It’s the folks that stay in the city. They don’t have a weekend house share on Fire Island  (the gay New Yorker’s favorite summer spot),” he said. As he uttered those faithful words, there was truth to the term. According to social media, most everyone had congregated on fabulous beaches, while taking photos of their newly sculpted physiques.

“I feel like a rebel staying in my city, ” said I. In summers past, I very rarely left the city. I lingered on the pavement, schvitzing (sweating), wondering if relief from the heat was in sight. One afternoon typified the New York weekend summer experience.

“Shit, why do I always insist on wearing all black in the summer?” asked I, while strolling down Christopher Street. Sweat dripped from my head. My rosy cheeks turned a harsher shade of neon pink. The intense weather forced me to ask myself, “fall, where art thou? You lovable season of pumpkins and cardigans.

A soothing wind dried my melting skin. “Hello, gaydom,” I proclaimed. Even in the easy bake oven, which is New York on a summer’s day, something refreshing and gay was in the air. “Oh that’s right, there’s always Christopher Street Pier, said I. Crossing the West Side Highway, I locked eyes with imposing Hudson River, and (of course) Jersey in the distance.

Christopher Street Pier is located on the Hudson. As the name suggests it’s a pier, which is filled with gay patrons. It’s a slice of Fire Island, sans the remote location.

There are many gay subcultures, which frequent the pier. Twinks (skinny hairless gay guys), run around in colorful speedos. Bears hibernate along the sunny shoreline with their chest hair flowing freely. Muscle men become one with their yoga mats as their inner self abandons the gym for a more natural habitat. Silver foxes, regardless of body types, proudly show off their seasoned exterior.

Sitting on the grass under the sun, my cheeks were roasting like marsh mellows on a fire pit. I took a breath of Hudson River breeze and declared, “oy, this may not be my favorite season, but at least there will always be Christopher Street Pier,” said I.

The not so-starry night re-appeared. It was time for me to return to the humid concrete reality. “Oy, this little staycation was fun, but I don’t want to go to stand on the subway platform right now. I still long for somewhere gay and cool,” said I, walking toward Seventh Avenue.

Fortunately, I found my own rainbow colored and unicorn friendly oasis. Where did I end up? You ask; the Big Gay Ice Cream shop, naturally. I noshed away on the pecan praline ice cream sandwich. “Summer isn’t so bad, at times, proclaimed I.” Where there is ice cream, shirtless guys and a little bit of breeze, happy memories magically appear.  If only I could see a flying unicorn, then my summer would be complete.

 

 

 

Frolic on 72nd Street

“If my friends could see me now,” (from the musical, Sweet Charity) is my theme song for that most charming season, autumn. When the skies above New York City, morph into a spectacular golden grey, overwhelming humidity travels south.

My cardigans and I have always reveled in lightly chilled winds. Not only is New York is painted in dynamic hues of red and orange, but the city evokes a more romantic facade.

In the mystical land, Norah Ephron romantic comedies, a new kind of love was igniting. ” Let’s go see the beautiful fall foliage today, said my one of my best gay buddies. With that statement, he gathered up the troops for a field trip to Central Park. One troop was running fashionably late, which kept us gays, quite anxious.

As we chatted it up in the background of a friend’s cozy, Upper West Side apartment, the buzzer sounded. “Finally,” we all shouted. I was curious to meet this new troop.

The door opened dramatically. There he stood, Noah. He traveled all the way, crosstown just to see foliage with us. I took a gulp. “Hello, Noah, I thought to myself. My palms were sweating and caterpillars transformed into butterflies with his very appearance.

He had a classic intellectual look. With short dark hair, black-frame glasses and a fashionable black sweater, he was physically a charmer. I extended my hand to introduce myself. He turned his head, avoiding eye contact with me. The butterflies fell from the sky and returned to their cocoon. “Shit, he knows I am interested and gave me the cold shoulder,” I thought to myself.

I dusted the disappointment from my shoulders and we headed toward Central Park. The city was dusting itself from the reminients of a brutal summer. It was beaming with a renewed sense of self.

Even though, I felt slightly rejected by Noah, I decided to get to know him better. This time, I played calm and collected, strolling with the troops around the Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis Reservoir. We made good conversation, but the eye contact was perpetually non-existent.

” Gee, where is all the foliage?” cried one of the troops. Indeed the park was barely painted in orange and red. Miraculously, there was one tree toward Fifth Avenue, which drenched in red leaves. We all took pictures. “Mission accomplished, let’s go have a drink, boy,” I declared. Over margaritas and tacos, I wanted to uncover the mystery of Noah.

Even after a few frosty adult beverages, Noah turned his head, anytime we made eye contact. “Oh I hate the head turn, oy to the vey,” said a disappointed, I.

The troops decided they wanted to see a film at the local IMAX. ” Hey guys, I have a hard time at movie theaters, they make me sleepy. I am going back to my apartment,” said I.

With that I gave the troops a hug, goodbye. I reached over to give Noah a hug. ” Nice to meet you,” he said. “Thanks you too, said I. He kept an emotionless exterior and finally made direct eye contact.

“I think you’re absolutely adorable,” said Noah. The butterflies once again rose from cocoons. My brain swung to the sounds of Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong, singing, “Let’s call the whole thing off,” while orange leaves fell from the sky. “That means he’s into you,” whispered my friend into my perky ear.

“Back at ya,” I told Noah. I walked away. Then I thought to myself, “shit I walked away, rather than having the balls to ask him out on a proper date.” Rather, than dwelling on my lack of action, I utilized the experience to always seize the moment. With that said, I shall write the next fellow I fall for, a most wonderful poem. Who could resist a witty poem filled with romance?

Old New Yawk

Keep New York old is my motto. A tear streams down my cheek every time another steel and glass box reaches the sky. In utter disappointed, I declare “oy, there goes the neighborhood, goodbye Breakfast at Tiffany’s, hello, Blade Runner.”

With the rise of hip hotels rooftops, condos for the rich and fancy gyms, I abandoned my architectural despair and found old New York in the most unexpected of places. In the midst of gentrifying Harlem, lies the West Side Bingo Hall. It’s a gathering place of feisty senior citizens, who opted to stay in Manhattan, rather than embrace palm trees and golf courses.
My New York gal pals and I just happened to be the youngest people at the hall. Bingo didn’t quite appeal to me at first, but I decided, “I may get lucky here.” Excitement filled the air, as everyone anticipated two hours of Bingo madness. The prize was $500.00, which made the idea of possibly winning, ever more exciting.
The girls and I began to play. We noshed on Little Caesar’s pizza as the numbers were called through a large megaphone.  I told myself “I am going to win. Damn it, I am going to win,” said I, with every number, matching my bingo sheet.
“Yo, shut the fuck up,” yelled one grey haired New Yorker to the other for talking over the game. My eyes widened. “Wow, I’ve never heard old people talk like that, ” said, I mentally. “The fuck you this and that “continued, every time anyone spoke too loudly. “I can’t wait to be a sassy old person in New York. It’s so cool, that everyone is straight forward and saying fuck and shit, is cuter when you’re eighty,” said I.
The adrenaline rush proceeded. I wanted to win the grand prize. I had four squares left on my sheet. “Bingo,” shouted an elderly gentleman. The crowd went into a loud commotion. Don’t worry they may have gotten a number wrong, said Kelly. The gentleman was indeed the grand prizewinner. “There goes $12,” I proclaimed.
Not all was lost, besides hanging out with some of my favorite gals, Bingo became more entertaining. I glanced to my left. There was a crowd of rowdy seniors anticipating bingo. There was also a bouncer trying to hold them back from entering the bingo hall too early. Note to self, when I turn sixty-four, I’ll be at the bingo hall, being Mr. Sassy Pants.
We left the bingo hall, empty-handed. I may have lost the game, but gained an evening full of laughs. My gal pals and I headed to legendary, Dinosaur BBQ for dinner. One bite into beef brisket sandwich, and I forgot about loosing the bingo game. Instead, I enjoyed an evening out and celebrated a new hobby, playing Bingo (naturally).

Chocolate Chip Cookies For the Soul

The fireplace roared. A winter fairy sprinkled icy dust on Seventh Avenue, transforming the gritty pavement into an inviting painting. Inside a spacious apartment, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies illuminate in the oven. The magical treats scent the Uptown dwelling with sweet perfume.

In a California king sized bed, sits an adorable gay couple. Both are quite witty and sip on matching coffee mugs. They watch Father of the Bridge (1991 Steve Martin version). “Oh honey, this will be like us one day, sans the neurotic father character, said one gay to the other.

That’s right, we don’t know any neurotic people do we? asked the other gay. They giggle and take a sip of their hot chocolate. The 90’s romantic comedy laughs continue.

This folks is another edition of “just gag me, but I secretly wish this was my life, sometimes.” As I always say, my ideal husband is out there. He’s just hiding under a rock. Now back to our regularly scheduled program, “Thirty, single & living in a New York City walk-up.”

“Damn, I feel guilty, having Chinese food delivered to my apt in this weather. Poor delivery guy,” I declared. I slurped on my Wonton soup, while sitting in the dark with my lap top glowing, I sang the “I feel guilty song.” It’s a little melody I came up with, while attending Catholic school for six years.

I then traded my guilty melody for something on the classic side. “Come on knock on our door. We’ve been waiting for you,” the Three’s Company theme song played. Naturally, I laughed at the antics of Jack, Chrissy, Janet and the Ropers. I uttered the infamous words, “wow, this is my life in a blizzard, old sitcom re-runs and Chinese delivery.

I glared at my window with the flashing lights of the deli across the street. I live in New York and can’t hibernate for the whole winter, like a bear. I long for a day of culture.

The next day was a particularly grey Saturday. “I don’t have a boyfriend, but it doesn’t mean I can’t go out on wonderful dates, by myself (that is),” said I. With my coat keeping perfectly roasty toasty, I set off for an exotic voyage. It would require me to pass a body of water. Naturally, I was jet setting to Brooklyn. Specifically, I was going for the Jean Paul Gaultier costume exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum.

Watching his outrageous Paris fashion shows on television was always a treat. Especially as a Catholic schoolboy, I loved his sense of rebellion and artistery. When I stepped out of the subway and finally reached the Brooklyn, excitement filled my eyes. “My day of culture begins, I am so excited. I just can’t hide it. Wow, I really have to stop quoting the Pointer Sisters,” said I.

I bought my ticket and waited for the exhibit to open. In contrast to the kitschy Gaultier exhibit, I roamed around the war exhibit, which was depressing, but interesting. Then the main event, anticipation built. My eyes were first met with flashy outfits worn by pop stars in the 90’s. I roamed around more. I saw Madonna’s legendary cone bras, avant-garde outfits worn by Bjrok and many 80’s punk inspired outfits inspired by London street fashion.

Surprisingly, it brought me back to my teenage years. It was a time where I yearned for self-expression. Throughout my Catholic school years, I wore a uniform and didn’t fit in with the other boys. Hence, fashion magazines, literature and music provided an exodus from the grim reality.

“The teenage me, would have loved this exhibit, I declared with a cheesy French soundtrack playing in the background. “Just by spending the day at a museum, I feel so accomplished and a bit more worldly. I love New York and all of its cultural opportunities,” said I. Mission accomplished, I declared. I had my day of culture and didn’t spend my day off, cooped up in my apartment, watching re-runs.

One thing would make the day sweeter. “Yum, yum, a chocolate chip cookies from the Levain Bakery. Wow, I can’t get over the taste and all those delicious chocolate chips,” said I. That’s right, I rewarded myself with cookie for soaking up a day of culture. I may not have a tasty cookie recipe, but luckily the Levain Bakery is just a walk away.

 

 

Square Dancing With A Cowboy

It happened one faithful night in Williamsburg (Brooklyn). Pigs finally flew across the purple sky. “Shit, I am lost in Brooklyn,” declared I with sweat dripping from my brow. In my all my years in New York, I had never been lost.

Oy, there was that one time I did get lost taking the G train, en route to Greenpoint. That doesn’t count though. Everyone gets lost on the perplexing G train. I’ll just keep telling myself that.

Back to the story:

Close to the Montrose, L train stop, I grew further frustrated. I was heading toward my friend’s apartment for a dinner party. The map on my smart phone had me confused. As I glared at the map, my agony worsened.

The phone slipped from my hands and fell face forward on the very cold concrete. “Memories,” from Cats played in my head (Cardigans F.M.). Unfortunately, this was not an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical, although dancing cats would lessen the blow. As the chorus was belted, I nearly cried as I examined the phone’s newly cracked screen. Dahling, it’s been a fabulous 3.5 years, said I. Speaking to my phone like I wounded warrior, I had to take drastic measure. (I did make it my friend’s apartment, albeit very late, which is not an Anthony quality).

Firstly, welcome to first world problem brought to you by the Whole Foods, yoga mat and cupcake loving, first world.

Predictably, I had to buy a new phone. “Oh great, I don’t want to turn into one of those people with their head constantly down starring at their iPhone. I don’t want Instagram and oy, Grindr,” said I. The next day, I upgraded my phone. “No reading books on the phone, no twitter and especially no Tinder, said I, while walking out of the phone shop. In toe was my new and very technological, accessory.

I did download the Facebook and Pandora app. For the first week with my upgrade, I almost completely avoided apps. On a faithful Sunday, I sat at my favorite East Village coffee shop and pulled out my black marble notebook. “I am going to take part in bohemian interests, “said I. As, I opened up the notebook and attempted to write poetry, my brain farted.

“Shit, I can’t think,” said I. “People watching, that’s it. The East village is my favorite place to people watch to inspire me,” said I. Then I ordered a bagel to compliment my black coffee. “Stimulation will be mine,” declared I. Lots of men, entered the coffee shop. Every shape, color and size was represented. “Maybe, I need to be in love?” I asked myself, philosophically.

I took out my iPhone and the unthinkable proceeded. Geez, I think I am going to download Tinder. For those in the dark, Tinder is a phone app, which shows you a variety of men and. If you swipe, left, it means you’re interested. A swipe to right means you’re not interested. If you and your choice man, both swipe left, then you can message each other (since you’re both interested).

It downloaded the app. Initially; I was disappointed as I swiped. Hipster, hipster, hipster, and Bravo reality TV escapee (pretty boy/generic look), I am so bored and feel very judgmental, “said I. “I can’t do this,” declared, yours truly. While strolling down First Avenue toward the Lower East Side, I had an itch. “Nope, I am not looking at Tinder. Actually, I am going to delete the app,” said I.

I crossed Delancy Street and with imposing Williamsburg Bridge, beckoning my inspiration. The itch persisted. I found a cozy bench and went back on Tinder. I had a jolly good time swiping to the left then the right. After a few minutes, I matched with guy. “Wow, finally a guy who’s interested, ” I said. The swiping continued.

To my surprise, I ended up racking up a greater number of eligible bachelors. We started chatting. Surprisingly, they seemed like amazing guys. There was less talk about sex and more about significant hobbies. What I disregarded as a shallow phone application had proven to be a fantastic tool to message other single guys in the city.

“Have I gone on a date, yet?” you ask? I haven’t really met the right guy yet, but eventually it will get there. Thanks to a precious shattered cell phone, a whole new world opened up. Thanks Tinder, for reminding me that this isn’t a lonely, dateless city. There are indeed other dateless, Tori Amos loving, Augusten Burroughs reading, and Stanley Kubrick film aficionados in this universe, we call, New York City.

 

 

Gay of New York

Each morning, some of the most beautiful men in the world walk hurriedly through Grand Central Station. Typically, they dress in suits, shoes well polished and carry sleek messenger bags.

Though not exactly the bohemian ideal, they do provide a quick wake-up in the hustle-bustle of a New York morning. With so much pressure to look a certain way, one is only poised for that ultimate beauty goal, but there are the rebels.

“I would like a plain bagel with scallion cream cheese,” say I, on an almost daily basis. That’s right rather than a juice for breakfast, I have always gone for the New York staple. As I grew into my thirties, the metabolism slowed.

However, I made an effort to eat healthier and drink less refreshing boozy beverages. In modern day New York, cleanses, juicing and healthy salads were substituting street meat and pretzels for the grand dame of culinary delights.

That’s it, I have to eat healthier, once I attended the “Big Apple BBQ, naturally,” said I. It has always been the greatest food event after restaurant week. The best BBQ joints in the country descend on Madison Square Park for a carnivore’s delight.

I met up with my best friends and stood in long lines for delicious BBQ. This past year also marked a first. In my whole history, I had never had BBQ for breakfast. It beats any early morning meal at the diner, said I, while eating ribs with my bare hands. After the Big Apple BBQ, I succumbed to meat coma. It felt great.

The next day, my inner caveman wanted a huge chunk of meat. Instead, I ate a salad with chicken. I daydreamed of the lavish BBQ from the day before. Although salads are lovely, I quickly returned to my carnivore ways. After biting into a French dip sandwich, I said the hell with juices and leaves of the forest, I am caveman, give me meat.”

My hat is off to those who can live the vegan lifestyle. It would take quite a bit of will power for me to say no to a rib eye. I may not be a six-foot model, but I am very comfortable with my face fuzz and slight tummy. Most importantly, I am still enjoying life with all the wonderful beers and hamburgers, which accompany every journey.

Rocketman on Mars

Into the dark abyss of outer space, flies one very flamboyant rocket man. His destination is Mars. Wonderment fills his partly fearful self.

Will the aliens on Mars look like life-size gummi bears? or are they more E.T. ?  He bounces up and down the perfectly pure dust of Mars, which resembles the Mojave Desert. The 2001: Space Odyssey theme plays.

Call from earth, his iPhone rings and he answers. ” You smile too much,” said the voice. Suddenly, our space man sinks into a dark hole with the rocky desert terrain. The hole leads into a white wall and rather bland looking room.

He opens his eyes and the elderly gentleman with the loveable Bronx accent, repeats himself. ” You smile too much. Sorry you’ve been excused from this case.  With those words, our rocket man is back to his New York reality. An hour later, his jury duty is over. I speak of yours truly, naturally.

The 2001: Space Odyssey theme was replaced with “What a feeling (from flashdance)” Triumphantly, he walks toward the West Village. The city had become more magical, mirroring a child’s first glimpse of Disneyland. Everything felt new again, especially after being stuck in a bland room, hoping to be dismissed as a juror.

While at jury duty, I entered the dreaded realm where dreams and imagination go to die. This dark realm wasn’t the twilight zone, but it’s most commonly known as boredom land. I coped with the boredom by becoming a rocket man. Traveling past the Milky Way, eating space ice cream and staring at earth from another planet. If it weren’t for my space expedition, I would’ve died of boredom (not literally).

The experience reminded me, with a little imagination I can get through any boring situation. That afternoon, I officially left space. There was so much happening I didn’t have to drift away. If I do get called back for jury duty after the next six years, I’ll take a round trip to Mars on the “spaceship fabulous.” Also, I would play up my perky personality; it certainly helped with getting dismissed.

Madonna on a T-Shirt

“I feel like I just took a bath, a bath in my own sweat, ” said I. Welcome to summer New York. It’s that riveting time of year, when the garbage gets stinker, rich people flock to the Hamptons and shirtless men jog along the Hudson River.

While most New Yorkers hate the slushy sidewalks of winter, I find my greatest inspiration in a snow -covered city. Though the weather may not be as delightful as an autumn walk in Riverside Park, I still open myself to the inspiration around me.

That’s right the inspiration was all around me. Unfortunately, writer’s block had captured my brain cells. I cried a bit.

As I struggled in literary purgatory, I wondered, if my creative streak done was done with. I stared into the blank page of death. In the grand tradition of logical Manhattanite, I brought my problems to that most treasured of New York characters, the Upper West Side therapist.

“I feel a certain amount of guilt lately. I don’t know if it stems from too many of years of Catholic school, but I am around all this inspiration and can’t write for shit,” I told her. She shook her head and glared up from her decorative journal.

“It’s ok to not feel inspired, but I do have something for you,” she said. I looked on with great curiosity. She pulled out a very mysterious little cloth bag. As she handed it to me, I looked in puzzlement.

“Those are Guatemalan worry dolls. You tell them your worries and place them under your pillow at night. At night you wake up and your troubles will diminish,” she said with an honest smile. I shook my head and thought, these are stick figures made from real sticks and adorned with yarn, but if she says so, I’ll place them under my pillow, “I said to myself.

As predicted, I told the stick figures my troubles and placed them under my pillow. To my surprise, writer’s block didn’t go away, but it made for a good laugh.

The odyssey out of writer’s block land continued. I sat out in coffee shops in the East Village, took field trips to Brooklyn and wandered Harlem, but alas writer’s block became a chronic condition.

Unexpectedly, I ended up on Fifth Avenue in the 50s. I waited to meet up with a friend. The humidity levels blanketed Midtown’s glamorous office towers. I craved the artificial chill of a chain store on a summer’s day.

I headed to Uniqlo. I was wow-ed by (of all things) the t-shirt collection. The t-shirts were a bit of artwork. There were artist interpretations of London’s Big Ben & Paris’s Arc de Triomphe. However, I was most delighted by the musician’s collection.

As a Madonna fan, I loved the t-shirts featuring the queen of Pop. In the middle of t-shirt land, the walls of writer’s block crumbled. “I found my inspiration, a story about t-shirts,” said. Although, I hadn’t worn t-shirts in years (button downs and polos are more of my style), they were a significant part of my life as teenage fashionista; it was an integral part of my identity. A story was born. The paragraph started like this:

Growing up, I would take trips my favorite clothing shop.  I would pick out very decorative t-shirts. I adored the art work the most. They represented my love of travel, newspapers, New York and status as a teenage reject.

After my trip to Uniqlo, I quickly put my fingers to a keyboard and wrote my t-shirt story.  My battle against writer’s block ended at that moment. The blank page had been adorned with words about my adolescence. I once again felt like a well-inspired and fun loving writer. I stared at the Guatemalan worry dolls and proclaimed, “Hey you guys tried your best.” Then I turned off the lights and fell into a world of imagination.

 

Left Coast

Coffee sops, art galleries, gastro-pubs, old buildings, and a mismatch of political views; this isn’t New York’s East Village. It’s surprisingly, a world away, Riverside, CA.

Riverside may not be one of the world’s great cultural centers, but it’s ideal for a lovely holiday. Nestled in Southern California’s Box Springs Mountains, the city played host to my greatest daydreams. Growing up there in the 90s, the same thought persisted. “Oy, I want to leave this town surrounded by brown mountains and move to New York City,” said I.

I eventually moved to New York in my early twenties. In Manhattan, I have most recently resided in a small fifth floor walk-up. My windows overlook a quintessentially New York landscape. To one side, there are charming brownstones. If you glare up, the imposing redbrick projects, smile back. If you step outside onto my fire escape, the Midtown skyline flashes brightly way down the street.

This is my New York reality. Hence, my father’s home in Riverside has always been a lovely escape. Going out west has always meant delicious food in the fridge, cable TV and chirping crickets, thanks to the serene terrain.

Like any good Californian transplanted into a New Yorker, I’ve made an art form out of not driving a car. Traffic, parallel parking and freeways send my neurosis levels to skyrocketing high levels. Typically, I have my father and/or generous friends drive me around. However, I gave driving another shot.

My dad gave me the keys to his car. Like any proper creature of habit, I decided to re-create my East village routine in the heart of Downtown Riverside. I drove there, one Saturday afternoon.

Firstly, I commenced with a walk. I admired Riverside’s antiquity. It’s flower shops, restaurants gone al fresco, little fountains and street musicians provided a tranquil, but surprisingly lively vibe in the heart of suburban madness.

That afternoon, I enjoyed a latte at the local indie coffee shop and explored the titles at the favorite used bookstores. After a whole lot of strolling, I headed for a sandwich at the gourmet deli, Simple Simon’s.

After a day, which mirrored my routine in New York City, I still longed for that most suburban of moments. Risking loosing my cool urban card, I set off for that delicious slice of American peach pie.

“This top 40 station stinks,” said I. Quickly, I switched to 80’s music. Missing Persons, Culture Club & Depeche Mode were the soundtrack of my road trip. It brought me back to a time, when I romanticized about being an adult.

I parked in a parallel parking spot and stared up into the bright blue California sky. There it is, the Galleria at Tyler, Riverside’s premier shopping destination, where Nordstrom meets Forever 21 meets Cinnabon.

My first stop was Nordstrom’s. Since, we don’t have a Nordy’s (Nordstrom’s nickname), I went wild. I always adored their sneakers department. The sweet smell of men’s cologne dominated my nostrils. As, I secretly wished I had a boyfriend to enjoy this suburban moment.

After Nordstrom’s, I snuck into the actual mall. It was interesting. This was a world I once longed for, but like braces, had been buried in the graveyard of teenage angst. The galleria was secretly an enjoyable experience.

Also, the people watching was intriguing and different from my usual East Village/Upper West Side afternoons. There were soccer moms, different tribes of teenagers from gothic people to preps, families representing virtually every culture and college kids. After my quick run-through, I had my mall fix for a long while.

I returned back to my dad’s house, feeling slightly accomplished. That afternoon, I stepped out into the back patio and sniffed around, “oh it really smells like the suburbs,” said I. The suburbs smell like grass, but I most prefer the exotic smells of New York, when it’s not on the subway in summer.

 

Texas

3:30 AM in New York City, the neon lights of Times Square awaken the evening sky. Hold on, I don’t live near Times Square. Why are there flashing lights uptown? Shit, it’s a thunderstorm, said I. While still half asleep, I couldn’t go back to bed with the pitter-patter of raindrops.

On that dreary Thursday morning, I was off to that most grey of places, sunny Palm Springs, CA (insert laughter). As I wrestled with the notion of going back to bed, I had a 4 am car picking me up. As I almost shed a tear to accompany the sad sky outside, I prepared my outfit for the great expedition out west.

I was all packed up for the trip. Feeling like Mr. Cary Grant, I sashayed down my walk-up, schlepping a very heavy carry-on. The thunder persisted, which caused me to make a less than glamorous dash into the car.

As my car drove slowly through the rain soaked Tri-Borough Bridge, the Manhattan skyline was fogged in. From a distance the Chrysler building was adorned with white lights.

Hello Queens, I arrived at La Guardia airport. The road from New York to Palm Springs, would take a detour into Dallas-Fort Worth. By 5 AM, I was already cranky and exhausted. However, grand images of Palm Springs play like great actors on the Broadway stage; the grand mountains with windmills, desert sands, kitschy 50s architecture, pool parties with tons of gays and most inspiring of all, seeing my father, who lives in California.

I successfully reached the gate and was ready to board my flight. “The layover in Dallas was a quick one. I must get my power-walking New Yorker skills into play,” said I, while flipping through the duty free guide. The rain falls into hibernation. I gleefully stare out the window. “Sorry folks, we’re having electrical issues, we will be delayed for few minutes,” said the pilot.

It was like an intense needle scratch on a precious Beatles tune for my ears. “What I can’t be delayed, I have a flight to Palm Springs to catch. I really want to have a burrito at Las Casuelas with my dad. I listened to my most calming golden oldies, while the plane remained stuck at LaGuardia.

By 6:30 AM, the problem had been fixed; the plane took off like a bird headed south for line dancing.  Good-bye New York, see you in four days, said I. Then I closed the window shade on the Northeast. I watched a campy gay film on my laptop. I drank airplane coffee, which has always been a frightening concept.

I re-opened the shade, while flying somewhere over Texas. The land was flat and green. I imagined, Texas to be less green. Slowly the airplane approached the Dallas. The houses were wide and came accompanied with crystal blue-watered pools.

As the plane continued its path, quintessential Texas images emerged. Football fields, water towers, expansive freeways and more large houses. The Dallas skyline in the far distance was in a sea of haze as the expanse

9:05 AM, Finally, the plane made its final descent into Dallas-Fort Worth airport. It landed. I called my dad, to let him know I was halfway to California. Dashing from the plane, I stepped into DFW, which like Texas was sprawling. You could fit several generations of Smurfs and still have plenty of room for more. It was also clean and modern, as opposed to other airports (cough, cough LGA & JFK)

I dashed through the terminal, passing many chain restaurants and weary travelers. “I may have a short window, but I’ll make this flight, I told myself. “It’s right across the terminal, since every airline is housed in one marvelous terminal,” said I. Swiftly, I looked up at the very high escalator with signs directing passengers to distant fairy tale lands. These lands were DFW’s other terminals.

Reaching the top of the escalators, I entered the air train. For once, I too felt like a lost puppy dog. With great confusion, I asked a friendly Texan, “Excuse me, is this the right way to gate D14? She smiled and said, “Yes, this is the right train. It goes in a circular loop around DFW.

Fortunately for me, my terminal was at the end of the loop (not). I listened to melancholy 90’s music. The train looped around every terminal possible. Round orange lights shined brightly every time; the train arrived at another riveting terminal. My New York neurosis levels rose to extreme highs. This was a true fete, which could only be accomplished outside the five boroughs.

“Goodbye burritos from Las Casuelas,” said I. ” Guess, it’s Applebee’s at DFW for me. Oy, airport food,” said I. “

Texas BBQ, sausage, pulled pork, sausage with a beer,” said my brain while speaking gently to my taste buds. “That’s right, if I get stuck in Dallas, I could call my friend, Nicky and head out of the airport for real Texan style BBQ, a foodie’s dream, naturally.

After many commercial breaks, I arrived at my terminal. Secretly, I wanted to get stuck in Dallas, as an excuse to eat really well. So, I walked just a bit slower. My flight just happened to be at the very end of the terminal. When I finally arrived at the gate, my anxiety levels and reality kicked. Shit, I have a hotel in Palm Springs, I must check-in, said I.

As I proceeded to obtain my boarding pass, the agent gave me a stern look. “Did you give away my seat?” I asked. She shook her head, yes. With one nervous gulp, I said to myself “At least, I’ll have a good food coma, if I have to take the nighttime flight.” Miraculously, the travel fairies sprinkled their dust on my head. A seat happened to pop up.

I boarded the flight to Palm Springs. “Sorry Dallas, I didn’t get to explore your delightful culinary scene, but there’s always a sequel to DFW somewhere in my future. In the meantime, it was hello, Palm Springs, ” said I.

The plane took off. I met a wonderful new friend and had an amazing land locked flight. After three hours, I landed and experienced the crown jewel of California summers, dry heat. I was lovingly reunited with my father. As predicted we had a very large burrito from Las Casuelas.

Then in a scene out of a Woody Allen movie, the weather became slightly neurotic, especially for old Palm Springs. Boom, there was rain with a hint of humidity, followed by rain. “Oy, you can take the boy out of New York for four days, but the shit weather will follow is the moral of this story.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 440 other followers