The Conservative Lady

Foul languages, drinking, smoking, anything with bread & partying were all things my mother hated. Sure, it’s the stuff that makes life fun, but mom was a strict religious lady. My dad would always say ” don’t listen to your mom, when she was young she listened to David Bowie & drank too.” Oh my dad was always the cool parent.

Sometimes, my mom would unexpectedly break out of her shell. One such time, happened when I was a teenager. My buddy Bryan picked me up from school & we had a lovely afternoon of eating teriyaki bowls & driving around listening to Japanese pop music.

My phone rang. It was mom. I just ignored the call. We drove up to Bryan’s driveway. She relentlessly called. I finally answered. She goes ” I’m in front of your school, where are you?” I’m at Bryan’s house. “Fucking asshole, you fucking asshole,” I had the speakerphone on. Bryan was on the ground laughing. ” My mom’s strict religious views didn’t get in the way of her expressive language.

“You’re in trouble, I’m driving to Bryan’s right now,” she uttered in full furry. I started shaking. While Bryan couldn’t stop laughing, “asshole, asshole, asshole,” he repeated. I had this nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach. ” She’s bat shit crazy & is gonna kill me,” I told Bryan.

“Don’t worry little brother, I have the solution to your problem,” Bryan then walked away. He came back dressed in a full marine’s uniform with this large fake gun. “This will scare your mom,” he said. We waited for her. She must’ve flown on the freeway. Before we knew, we heard this big long honk outside the house. “Oh shit Rambo is here,” is what I told Bryan as we made our way through the front door.

Bryan walked out with his gun, dressed as a marine, attempting to intimidate my mom. She just stared him down with her arms folded. I just stood behind Bryan. “I’m here to protect my friend,” Bryan proudly proclaimed. I took a peek at her. She was struggling not to burst into laughter. “Anthony, get in the fucking car,” she yelled. I got in.

We drove five blocks. ” Who was Bryan, trying to intimidate with that silly getup?” she asked me. She burst into laughter. “I’m sorry for calling you a fucking asshole,” she said to me. Not making eye contact & she looked directly at the road.

After the “asshole” incident, we went to Costco. She bought me a Costco dog & a music compilation of show tunes, which she later regretted (since I played songs from Cabaret in the car for months). Making a very religious lady angry is a funny experience. They may be holier than thou, but make them angry & revel in all the “fucks” & “shits” uttered afterwards.

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1 Comment

  1. Rae Girona

     /  July 25, 2012

    Your mom was awesome!!!!! I’m very catholic but you make me angry and I’ll use the same words!
    ha ha ha !!

    Reply

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